Most of us know that there are some things -- usually extremely delicious things -- that pregnant people shouldn't eat, or shouldn't eat much of. So you think, okay, well, I'm sure going to MISS all that stuff, but I'm going to be ~*good*~ and not eat any of it because ~*~*it's all about the baby now*~*~ and yadda.
The hilarious thing they never tell you is that when you get pregnant? All those things you can't eat? THEY'RE ALL YOU WANT TO EAT! HA HA HA. It's just Mother Nature's way of saying "fuck you bitch, I hate you."
But maybe I'm just a little oversensitive to that because I've had issues with food, on and off, for about five years. When I was in my late teens I verrrryyy slowwwwllyy developed anorexia, gradually limiting my nutrition more and more; and the more I did that, the harder I forced my body to work. Eventually at the age of 19 I was so weak and tired that a chilly winter weekend in Amsterdam was completely ruined by the fact that EVERY time I went outside my extremities went numb, almost immediately, and my entire body ached like a rotten tooth. At home -- yep, even in England -- I had to be swaddled in heavy clothes and coats 24 hours a day. It got old, so I tried to get help from my doctor, who didn't really help at all but I think due to stubbornness more than anything I had decided to "get better" and so that was what I would do.
I say "get better" in quotes because actually, although I did improve my health -- I ate more, became less strict with myself, had fun, and dragged my body back from the brink -- in fact the cycle is only changed or put on hold; never broken, for me. The first wave of normal eating ended, somehow, and since then whenever I've had the chance (i.e. when nobody will be checking on me to make sure I'm eating in a way that they believe to be normal), I've lapsed back into disordered eating. In short, since developing the problem I have never truly nourished myself just for me.
At first it was mostly for me, but also for my ex-boyfriend and because I was sick of it being an issue. When I travelled, I ate whatever I could when I could, which seemed like a lot to me -- but I knew I could lose weight again when I came home. Then when I lived in another country with people who didn't know much about me, I ate like them as though I was gaining weight for an acting role; as though it wasn't really me and, again, it didn't have to be permanent. When I returned home I restricted myself again, but Angry Busker cottoned on and ... well, it's true that his reaction gave me a wake-up call and made me want to stop relapsing for good -- but I also know that another big reason I started eating properly was because I just didn't want it to be an issue. Essentially I simply decided it wouldn't be a problem.
But THEN... I got pregnant.
And I have been eating normally. I haven't had much choice in the matter, because when my body is hungry I feel like I could eat THE WORLD, and I HAVE TO, RIGHT NOW. I want to nourish my baby, and my own body, so it can take care of the baby before and after she or he is (hopefully) born. But in the back of my mind I am still hoping that breastfeeding and other aspects of being a mother will help me lose weight, and not just enough weight to get me back to "normal," but enough weight to make me look as thin as I did when I was very ill.
But it's kind of ironic and frustrating to worry about what I'm eating and restrict myself for ... a legitimate reason? I don't know. It makes me wonder how other people with a history of disordered eating handle pregnancy. My mother, who suffered with anorexia after her father died when she was in her early thirties, says she felt no desire to restrict her diet when she was pregnant with me a decade later, but that she did often feel uncomfortable with her new body shape. My half-sister, who is a couple of years older than me, also battled the disease for a long, long time -- and she is now the mother of two very lovely, very healthy little girls. I wonder especially how she dealt with it, knowing her difficulties with eating were very complex and drawn-out, but sadly we're not in regular contact.
Anyway, I would be very interested to hear other people's experiences with this! Cursory Googling doesn't provide much personal, human information. If anybody feels comfortable sharing, please feel welcome to.
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